I was lonely and cold one long winter's night. Suddenly, I felt a touch on
my back. It was cold and wet. I turned around and saw the most beautiful
Penguin that I had ever seen. He said, "Make hot, passionate love to me. We
can mount, finger, and do whatever else that you want to do. I put you in
complete control." I said, "I'd love to, but my boyfriend Bill might get
angry with me. I can't cheat on him. I've been with him for many years!" He
touched my breast and said, "Bill has only let you down. He has restricted
how you can love him with heavy licensing agreements. Let him go, and come
to me. We will be so much happier together."
It was at that moment that the Penguin lied me down on the bed and made the
most passionate, erotic love to me. I screamed, "OH MY GOD! I LOVE LINUX! I
LOVE LINUX! I WILL NEVER GO BACK TO WINDOWS! I AM A ZEALOT! I AM OBSESSED
WITH LINUX! MOUNT ME! FINGER ME! WINDOWS SUXXX! LINUX RULEZZZ! FUCK THE
WINTROLLS! BILL HAS NEVER LOVED ME LIKE THIS! FREE SOFTWARE, FREE LOVE! I
AM DOING AN FDISK AND REMOVING WINDOWS FROM MY MACHINE! FDISK MAKES ME SO
HOT! OH MY GOD...!"
Suddenly, I woke up. I realized that I was a man, not a woman, and a man
who couldn't get any and lived in my parents' basement wacking off to the
output of some obscure package compiling. Was it too late for a real woman
to rescue me from the Penguin? I don't know. I was perfectly happy with
everything the way it was.
